It's Time To Trim Some Fat From Our Legal Justice System

Here's another lawsuit that our overburdened justice system just doesn't need to put on the table. A Winona, Minnesota woman is asking that abuse charges be filed against an acquaintance who was pet-sitting for her potbellied pig and allowed the animal to get fat. Michelle Schmitz said her pot-bellied pig, Alaina Templeton, weighed 50 pounds last spring when Schmitz left her with a co-worker. Nine months later, the pig was 150 pounds. Now the one-eyed Alaina is the subject of a police investigation into whether her pig-sitter abused her by neglecting and over-feeding her. No charges have yet been filed.

“That pig is my life,” says Schmitz. She even has a tattoo of Alaina’s name. “Everyone in Winona knows I have this pig.” Schmitz, who bottle-fed Alaina when she was just 11 days old, kept her on a strict diet to keep her weight at about 50 pounds. Ankle surgeries required her to go on medical leave. She said one of her co-workers — who was reportedly “awesome” at taking care of animals — offered to pig-sit in February while Schmitz recovered.
When she tried to recover the pig in April, Schmitz said the co-worker wouldn't return her calls. She said she didn't know where the woman lived and when she finally found the woman's farm Saturday she discovered that Alaina's neck had grown around her collar and the pig had trouble breathing.

Schmitz said she cried for three days after she discovered her pet's weight problem. She said the woman even tried to rename the pig Pork Chop. She said Alaina had trouble breathing and “stunk real bad.” Because the pig-sitter failed to adjust the collar, Alaina’s neck grew around it. Alaina now wears bandages and is healing from a pressure wound and infection on her neck. Schmitz suspects her co-worker let Alaina — normally an indoor pet — run around outside where she gorged on cat food. Schmitz said the pet-sitter’s cats looked like they were just skin and bones when she found Alaina. “She’s different now,” Schmitz said. “She’s scared.”

I think I'd be scared too. It's only time til Alaina, now Pork Chop, becomes a nice tasting compliment to some over-easy eggs, has brown potatoes and a hot cup of coffee. Mmmm. I'm looking forward to that Breakfast Slam!

Join PETA Today: Help Save Those Innocent Vegetables

For years Kentucky BourbonQ has created the best barbecue sauces, grilling sauces, and barbecue marinades that Kentucky has to offer. And they have the awards to prove it! Created by champion barbecue-grillmaster Shane Best, each of their products has just the right blend of flavor and heat to make your foods taste like the best, too. But what goes great with BBQ sauce? It sure as heck ain't vegtables!

So these innovative people in Kentucky have designed T-shirts specifically for those customers who are sick and tired of constant ruckus caused by the "other PETA". The front of every shirt has the "People for the Eating of Tasty Animals" logo, and they have a variety of humorous slogans to decorate the back. Sure to cause a reaction wherever you go!!! Check out these stylish (not to mention hilarious) aprons brought to you by Kentucky BourbonQ!!!

For more T-Shirts, aprons and funny stuff, check out their website.


Remember. Only you can save a good head of iceburg lettuce. Join the "PETA" group that means what it says. and be sure to cook it to 145 degrees for medium rare! Ahhhhh. Noting like a big, thick, juicy steak!

The Loss Of An American Icon Of Sanity: The Turn Signal

In 1984, during the height of the Summer Olympics, I became a transplant in the the sunny state of California. I find myself constantly wondering why only about 2 percent of drivers in California use turn signals. I can't say it's just those crazy LA drivers, because many of the culprits aren't from CA at all. But, many are. And so, as I drive to and from work daily, or wherever I happen to be going, I am left to ponder...

Does the heat from the sun fry the wires leading from the turn signal switch inside the car to the actual signal? You know, since California is a semi-arid desert and all?


Are people just so happy from being constantly exposed to mindless Paris Hilton or Britney Spears sightings, that the concept of using one's turn signal simply eludes them completely?


Are drivers in California so old that they forget how to use the turn signal? (I have also found the same thing in Florida and parts of rural Vermont...but we expect that there!) Or, were they simply 'before the turn signal's time'?

Could it be that you just don't have an available hand? I know that you've just got to have that cell phone pinned to your ear while your sipping your non-fat, decaf, add shot, mocha latte and putting on your makeup. Yeah, that's it!


Is it possible that our state mandated that each car sold in the state of CA have it's turn signal disconnected, to uphold CA's strict 'no-turn-signals-allowed' policy? Fits some of the people in Hollywood and especially Glendale!

Perhaps it is the abundant illegal alien population in California that is to blame? Maybe, the alien cut all the signal wires, causing them to malfunction and people to get so pissed off that we just don't see them crossing the border. A definite possibility.

The only other explanation I can think of, is that the same people teach driver's education and work for my local McDonald's which has the menu in Spanish (first) and English!

I will continue to ponder the absence of turn signal usage in this great state, meanwhile wishing I had a bullhorn to yell, "I know you have a friggin' turn signal!!!" But, alas, I am from New York, (as so many 'transplants' are), so I choose to yell and use my horn!

Jott: Making Life Easier And Saving Lives At The Same Time!

If you take a quick glance at the people driving the cars next to you on the road today, you'll likely find a number of them not paying attention to the road. A big problem these days -- especially with young drivers -- is texting behind the wheel. Both hands on the wheel. Eyes on the road. That's how we're supposed to drive. But just about everybody is guilty of breaking the rules now and then...some more often than others. Texting while driving can be deadly.

Last June, five girls were killed in an accident near Rochester, New York. Police say the driver had been text messaging just before the crash. Text messages were sent and received on a 17-year-old driver's cell phone moments before the sport utility vehicle slammed head-on into a truck, killing her and four other recent high school graduates, police said. "The records indicate her phone was in use. We will never be able to clearly state that she was the one doing the text messaging. ... We all certainly know that cell phones are a distraction and could be a contributing factor in this accident." This type of crap has got to stop and now there is a service that allows you to do it handsfree...it's called Jott and to me, it's the hottest thing out there!

Jott is a transcription service that makes sending an email or text message while you're on the road easy! You can use any cell phone to make a simple, toll free call, and the service allows you to create messages in email, SMS, text, and even to-do lists with your voice. They take your voice, and transcribe it into text automatically, and deliver it to where you want. Basically, it's hands free productivity, unlocking messaging and saving To-Dos in scenarios where you don't want to be thumb typing or don't have access to a keyboard. It's free, and there are no downloads. Click Here or on their logo to get it! This is my biggest and most blatent product endorsement ever. I've been promoting it since I got back from my NY trip and people are signing up like crazy!

How does it work? Here's and example of a paragraph I wrote which I read for this blog and how it was translated. Okay, I didn't read it exactly but you'll get the point...

Thank you for reading Discover Insanity. Today I am talking to you and blogging about Jott, a digital transcription service which translated what you say into the phone into an e-mail or text message. I have been using this service for a couple of weeks and I love it. It is a great way to send a reminder to yourself or and email to anyone in your address book. And best of all...the service is free! Be sure and check out Jott at www.jott.com. You'll be glad you did!

Within minutes, Jott translated my message and sent me an email. The transcription was excellent considering I was in a 2-bar cell phone reception area outside my local Starbuck's...where else? Here's the transcription as I received it in my email...

"Thank you for reading "Discover Insanity". Today I'm talking to you and blogging about Jott, a digital transcription service which translated what you say into the phone into an e-mail or text message. I've been using this service for a couple of weeks and I love it. It's a great way to spend a reminder to yourself or e-mail someone in your address book and best of all the service is free. Be sure and check out Jott at www.jott.com. You'll be glad you did. "

You can actually view the email and listen to my lousy voice on the cell phone by clicking on the picture of the funky guy to the right. I am amazed at how well Jott works. Even with road noise the translation quality is excellent. I can send an email to anybody in my Jott address book (yes, you can upload your addresses from outlook and other services) and never, thanks to Bluetooth, have to take my hands off the wheel or my eyes off the road. It's cool being able to send email while flying down the 210-freeway at 85 miles per hour...oops.

So how does Jott make money? I searched and couldn;t figure it out but in an article in Northwest Innovation, founder John Pollard (a genius in my opinion) said, "Our strategy has been not to raise too much money, but rather to raise enough to get going, and build the product out to where we can really get tight on some scenarios, understand customers, and what they want to do, before going out and raising more money, which we'll be doing in several months. It's free right now. Fundamentally, this will allow us to make money in future .The transcription works, and for certain scenarios that is a very valuable asset. One way or another, they will pay for that long term--whether that's through advertising or something else. If we can help them (people like me) accomplish things they are Jotting, we'll be able to paid for that. We're very optimistic about that.

As simple as it sounds...it all comes down to responsible driving. Anything that distracts you from two hands on the wheel and both eyes in front of you is a problem and Jott is an excellent solution to the problem! Heck, it's FREE! What have you got to lose? The technology of Jott allows you to pay attention to what you're doing when you're behind the wheel of that automobile. Now if only I can figure out how to drink my Grande Drip handfree then life would be wonderful!

Get Out Your Wallet And Do Something At Work Today: Black Friday Is Over...It's Now Cyber Friggin' Monday!

There was a time when Black Friday was a name for the shopping day on the Friday after Thanksgiving. It kicked off the holiday season and gave stores a chance to "put themselves in the black." Now Black Friday is more of a season than a day. With over 70 million people around the country using the internet, it's no wonder retailer's see us as easy prey. The statistics prove it all - E-commerce transactions 2007 are estimated to be around $228 billion, growing 14 percent in 2005 from last year.

But is it a myth? According to a survey by MasterCard, only 10 percent of Americans surveyed online said they will shop on the Web on so-called Cyber Monday. Last year, the day with the highest amount of Web transactions processed was actually December 5, a week after Cyber Monday, according to the report. Still, that won't stop Web businesses from trying to make Cyber Monday an event. To entice shoppers to start early, retailers are giving special promotions and discounts for Cyber Monday on both items and shipping. It's enough to drive you insane! Every freakin' retailer is in on it and just because they offer you free shipping doesn't mean it's a great deal. About three out of four shoppers plan to shop online, and the Commerce Dept. has predicted that all sales-online and offline-will reach more than $676 billion for the November-January holiday shopping season! Holy Crap!

And CyberMonday even has it's own website. And to entice people to buy, buy, buy, it has a "purpose." The online shopping association Shop.org has declared Monday to be CyberMonday, a day of online sales. CyberMonday.com, a new Web site affiliated with Shop.org, lists many of the deals that will be available. "Free shipping--with a minimum order size, or some retailers are offering free shipping for any size order--is the most popular promotion that merchants are rolling out. And why do it on our own time? According to Shop.org, a significant amount of that shopping is taking place at work, according to a separate survey of consumers conducted for Shop.org. The study found that young people are most likely to shop online from work. Almost three-fourths of 18- to 24-year-olds, and 66.4 percent of those 25 to 34, plan to browse or buy online while at work, the group said. That doesn't mean that young workers are necessarily goofing off on the job. No, what does it mean?

The "special purpose" on the Shop.org site is the Ray M. Greenly Scholarship Fund. Ray was the Vice President of Research and Member Services for Shop.org for almost seven years and also managed Shop.org's membership with a personal touch rooted in his deep respect for the members and their businesses. A diehard Boston Red Sox fan, Ray was thrilled to see his Sox win their first World Series since 1918 before losing his year-long fight with cancer in the fall of 2005. Ray's spirit lives on in our Ray M. Greenly Scholarship Fund, which has been established to provide financial support to students pursuing careers in the e-commerce industry. All of Shop.org's proceeds from items purchased through CyberMonday.com help support Ray's scholarship and his memory. According to Cybermonday.com Web site raised more than $107,000 during the 2006 holiday season for the fund to be used to identify and provide financial support to students interested in pursuing careers in online retail. So there you have it...shopping with a purpose. How's that for marketing?

Why deal with any of this shopping thing anyway? Most of us just get crap that we want to return anyway. Save yourself some time and do what about 54% of Americans will do this year. Get your ass from in front of the computer, go to your local supermarket and get me a gift card! Yes, every supermarket now has a huge display for every retailer out there. If you're too lazy to do that, I take Ca$h! Green is the color that goes with everything!

From The Corporate Office Of Discover Insanity: An Apology & A Retraction

Humor is and always will be subjective. What tickles the funny bone of one person might be a little tasteless to another. The purpose of DI has been, and always will be, to poke some fun at all of the crazy news and people in the world while making you laugh at the same time. Sometimes, the humorous side overshadows the serious side of the story and to be responsible for your actions is part of life. So here we go.

Last week I did a blog entry that has since been removed at the request of the people involved. The idea and concept for the blog entry came from this article on KCBS-TV's web site and also from various sources around the internet. Many of the stories focused on the fact that the subject of the article was the youngest lawyer to pass the bar in California but is unable to drink. Here is the content of that article which began my blog:

Nov 20, 2007 12:07 pm US/Pacific
She's Barely Legal! UCLA Grad, 18, Passes Bar Exam

(AP) LOS ANGELES Kathleen Holtz only got her driver's license two years ago. Now, at 18, she's got a law license.

Holtz learned Friday that she passed the California bar exam.

"It's not a big deal to me," Holtz said of her age.

Eighteen is the minimum age to practice law in California but 30 is the average age of admission to the state bar.

Holtz was 15 when she entered law school at UCLA, where she was a Law Review editor.

"If you sat in the same class with her for a whole semester, you would never know she was younger than anyone else," said her former professor Eugene Volokh.

In September, she joined the Century City firm of TroyGould in the general business litigation group. Last week, one breach-of-contract case in which she was involved resulted in a $2 million verdict for TroyGould's client, a real estate development company.

I took some of the things in that story literally and made some graphics which may have been out of taste in the name of humor. And like any responsible person should, once I was notified of the fact that someone found it offensive, I removed it immediately...while they were on the phone!

So here's the bottom line. I apologize to Kathleen Holtz, TroyGould and anyone who was offended by the content of my blog entry. My purpose was to be humorous and at the same time, point out the fact that this person has accomplished an incredible thing in today's apathetic world. Your story hopefully will inspire people to accomplish what the set out to do. I was so impressed by your achievement and success that for people not to read about your accomplishment would be a mistake. I took the humorous side a bit to far and for that, I apologize. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors. You did a great thing.

The Holiday Is Over: The Post-Thanksgiving Blues

Today is the last day of the Thanksgiving holiday. By now, many of us tired eating turkey sandwiches, turkey leftovers, turkey soup and anything made out of, or that has the word, turkey in it. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and that you didn't get sucked into the whole Black Friday thing and spend lots of money. But if you did, or are still feeling the pain of all those friggin' leftovers, here's a little bit of post-Thanksgiving humor to give you a smile.

Things you can only get away with saying on Thanksgiving Day

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. That's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!



Hope you enjoyed some of this offbeat humor. Tomorrow's a new day. Now get you butt back to work to pay for all those gifts that are going to get returned anyway because Velour isn't in you know!

Some Things Are Better Left To Professionals!

It's the holiday season. A time when we plunk down lots of money for overpriced "on-sale" gifts, eat way too much food and sweets, drink more alcohol than Jack Daniel's and yes, do some stupid things. There are certain things that only should be attempted if you're a qualified professional. And there is only one professional I know who is qualified to go down a chimeny in a sing bound...Santa Claus. So why is it that at this time every year we read stories about people attempting to go down a chimney? What are they thinking? Often, maybe we have a worthy goal in mind, but try to reach it the wrong way. Of course, then we get stuck and wonder why we did such a stupid thing. What happens in today's blog offers a cautionary tale for burglars and an homage to the unblemished career of Kriss Kringle. Read on...

In Michigan, a teenager worried about coming in past curfew did his best Santa Claus and headed down the chimney. The 17-year-old boy was trying to sneak back into his room at the Judson Center social services agency Thursday night when he got stuck. A worker at the Center heard moaning and followed the noise to the chimney, authorities said. Firefighters and police officers had to pull him out. Police told The Detroit News the teen appeared only to have suffered scratches on his back. He was taken to a hospital as a precaution. Unfortunately, he didn't slide down quite as well as St. Nick.

In Hayward, California, a man who spent five hours naked and stuck in the chimney of his stepmother's home was arrested on suspicion of being under the influence of drugs. Michael Urbano, 23, locked himself out of the house early Saturday morning and decided to get in on a cable TV wire through the chimney. But the

wire broke and Urbano fell, getting stuck about three-quarters of the way down. He was freed when a firefighter pushed him to safety. "We get him up, and he's naked as a jaybird," said Hayward police Lt. Gary Branson. "He tells us he took his clothes off because there would be less friction going down the chute. We did find his clothes. So that part checked out." Police say it probably wasn't a comfortable few hours for Urbano. "He's not fat," Branson said, "but he used to play football. He's not that little. (Click To See Video)

In Australia, another teenager, after losing his keys, had to be rescued from the chimney of his inner-Melbourne home. With no other way into his Fitzroy home, the 17-year-old climbed down the chimney until reaching the flue shelf and finding he could not go up or down. Firefighters lowered a rope and pulled him to the roof. As much as he was black and sooty, he was just as red faced as can be with embarrassment. I can only imagine the kid must have been pretty thin to even contemplate getting down there."


A man became wedged in the chimney of an Italian family restaurant in Queens, New York, for almost three hours during a break-in, according to police and the owners. Police were called to Luigi's Italian Cuisine at 2:15am local time to rescue the man. Officers and firefighters broke through part of the chimney using jackhammers and drills, eventually dislodging him three hours later. Co-owner Josephine Napolitano said she and her husband had been up late on Thursday night watching a videotaped show of funny things caught on camera, including one about a burglar who had to be greased with butter to be freed from a chimney. "Not five minutes later, the police called us and said we're inside the restaurant, we've broken the locks, we have someone in your chimney," Mrs Napolitano said. "At first I was thinking, this is a joke, but no it wasn't." This burglar could have used some lessons from Santa Claus.


A 34-year-old man was treated for bruises and abrasions after being found naked and lodged in the furnace flue at Uncle Hugo's Bookstore. He was expected to be charged with attempted burglary on Friday. Don't worry, it wasn't Santa Claus. "He was lucky," said police Lt. Mike Sauro. "He was only stuck in that chimney for a few hours. It's kind of a happy ending, because if he had been in there until that store opened Friday morning, it's my judgment he would have died. Police suspect that the man was drunk when he climbed atop the one-story building and removed all his clothes to help squeeze into the chimney. He then started to slide down the 12-by-12-inch chimney shaft, Sauro said. "He's not Santa Claus," Sauro said. "He's a really skinny guy. And he's lucky he didn't get cooked." The man told police that he entered the chimney to retrieve keys he accidentally dropped down the shaft. He was charged with burglary and just being plain stupid. Lost your keys?

And finally, in Evansville, Indiana firefighters had to tear through a wall to rescue a man who became stuck while trying to enter a home through the chimney. Evidently he was drunk when he climbed down the chimney at 3:30 a.m. to see the woman he knew. "Everyone do stupid things sometimes when they're dunk," he said. At least this guy was drunk. In this state of altered thinking he truly believed he could get to where he wanted to go by going about it all wrong. We know better, don't we? Thinking like a woman here - perhaps there was a reason this guy did not have a key to the house and the woman did not leave the front door unlocked for him...Like, maybe, he wasn't a welcome guest in the first place!

Here's the bottom line on this. Don't get drunk. Don't be stupid. Don't get stuck in a chimney. It's pretty simple people. Some things are better left off to the professionals like Santa Claus. He's been doing it for hundreds of years and we've never had to suck his butt out of any ol' chimney. Get it? Got it? Good!

It's Black Friday: What The Hell Are You Thinking? Take A Nap!

I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. For some, the shopping frenzy that ensues on the Friday after Thanksgiving is an obnoxious and distasteful display of unrestrained consumption. For others, the day represents a fun annual tradition of bonding with like-minded insane friends who love to hunt for what they think are bargains.

I'm trying hard to understand why people would rouse themselves to shop. The day after Thanksgiving earned the designation Black Friday because it helps retailers go into the black, the accounting term for a profit, rather than being in the red, the term for a loss. Last year in Costa Mesa, police were called to calm a crowd at a Best Buy waiting to snap up deals on plasma TVs, DVD players and laptops after they began arguing at about 3 a.m. -- two hours before the store opened. KB Toys will open at midnight, J.C. Penney and Mervyns will open at 4 a.m., Circuit City and Best Buy Co. most Wal-Mart's will open at 5 a.m., and Target Corp. will open at 6 a.m.

If you don't want to brave the lines, I've got some online and homemade products that'll hellp you make it into the Christams holiday with the thre meaning of Christmas...happiness and joy!

We've seen all sorts of bras before, but this is the first we've come across that helps save the environment. Dubbed the No! Shopping Bag Bra, this lacy red undergarment has padded cups that when removed, transform into shopping bags that can be used to carry around your groceries, laundry, or other purchases and reduce the consumption of plastic bags in the process. We're not sure those lacy strings would be able to hold much, so ladies, you may want to carry around an extra bra just in case. But if you're interested, the bra is made by lingerie company Triumph Japan.

After the droolworthy Motorized Spaghetti Forks, the next innovation in the cutlery is this Finger Forks. The wearable stainless steel forks might not help you even one extra bit in digging your meal but will definitely be fun…(though, it’s another thing will be more fun to those watching you)! I mean, this is about as lazy as you can get in the culinary world. But hey, this is where technology meets tradition. If you got $$$, blow em' on this one.

Must say Sudoku is going places…places that you cannot even think it can go. All sudoku addicts have a reason to smile as from now onwards they won’t have to take their newspaper in the toilet, for now their favorite game will be right their beside them, 24x7. Where? On the toilet tissue paper. Yes, these sudoko toilet tissue rolls are available at iwantoneofthose for just $8. So no problems if you fail to solve one, there’s entire roll waiting for you. And when you're done, be sure to flush!

If you haven’t throw down hundreds for one of the bazillion iPod docks out there, you may have considered just making your own. But for those out there without the technical know-how — or more importantly, adequate funding — you’re probably stuck syncing your ‘Pod flat on the desk with that plain ole cable Apple tossed in anyway. All it takes is an old Apple accessory box, a generous helping of tape, scissors, and a black marker. While we assume any smallish cardboard box would fit the bill, using the prior home of an AirPort Express card just adds that critical dash of Apple flair to the whole creation. Then sit back and admire your own handiwork!

For those who like cute things, this USB Teddy Bear works as a storage device that will also make you laugh too, everytime you plug it in your USB port, for you have to remove the teddy bear’s head to plug it into the USB plug. So, it sure is quite a funny sight to see its little head stuck into the computer (some of you may think otherwise though)!! No information on the price and availability is yet available.

You know, it’s OK to do nothing. In fact, if you steer clear of stores entirely that day, you’ll have plenty of company...including me. Many people shun most forms of shopping for the entire weekend, either because they can’t stand crowds or they’re turned off by the notion of people shopping from pre-dawn ‘til after dark. Each year on the day after Thanksgiving, the funny and incisive Adbusters Magazine sponsors “Buy Nothing Day” in countries all over the globe. The 24-hour event is billed as a “festival of restraint.”

So grab that leftover turkey, make yourself a sandwich with tons of mayo and cranberry sauce, flip on the TV to one of the millions of "old show marathons" and take that well deserved nap. Hey, in this new world of conservation and global warming, you could say it's my way of "going green!" Where was Al Gore on this idea? Probably at the mall!