Friday, August 31, 2007

The Humorous Side of Insanity: Imagine Yourself As A Cartoon Character!

Today is one of those days when the news doesn't offer much in the area of insanity. Sure, I could give you more Paris, Lindsay and Christina news but I'm so sick and tired of it. Today, let's take our insanity and have some fun. That's right, I saw this on one of my Photoshop sites and couldn't resist.... this web site turns a photo into a Simpson character. It's a really clever site that gives results like this one of me (of course, I'm much more of a stud than this) check it out!

This is one of those delightful mashups of software, the web and imagination that doesn’t really have much obvious practical application but is great fun. As part of the promotion of the Simpsons movie, Burger King and the studio will take any photo of you and, with your customizations on the website, turn it into a series of cartoons. What you're seeing is what it did when I uploaded my photo!

I’m pretty impressed with the technology behind it (love to know how it actually works) as I think the cartoons do have a resemblance to my actual sexiness. Do you agree? The interface lets you upload your own photo, select various facial, hair and clothing styles, adds an accessory or two and then generates a completed photo in which you can pick the background of your choice. Then, you can export it, email it or save it as a buddy icon. The possibilities are endless, and things are not as bad off as you might think they are.

Granted, the picture generated may guarantee that your chances that you'll never have sex again but chances are you'll never wonder what you look like in a two dimensional world, so it's a mixed blessing. Consider yourself lucky. It could be much worse. At least you're not trapped in a Jackie Chan film.

Have a laugh at yourself today...

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Looking For Some Internet Fun? Now You Can Find Your Neighborhood Perv Online!

Want to make friends with sex offenders but aren't quite sure where they live? Let Vision 20/20 help you. The free web-based program gives users the ability to find the location of any sex offenders living in your area! There are 650,000 registered sex offenders in America – and that number grows by about 25,000 every year. Now you can get to know!

The Vision 20/20 Offender Locator helps you to identify registered sex offenders living in your area. Do it now. It’s Free! (Try It By Clicking Here!) Users simply add their address, city and/ or zip code to the Vision 20/20 site, and then the locations of sex offenders in the immediate vicinity are displayed over a map. Clicking on each sex offender leads to a profile which includes the name, address, and crimes of the sex offender, as well as a mug shot. And, as an added bonus, you can also register with POM Offender Locator to receive an alert the moment any new offender moves into your neighborhood. It’s a Free service! (by the way,this picture is one of my neighborhood pervs!)

Vision 20/20 Inc., has revolutionized the American telematics market by effecting a seamless convergence of Global Positioning System (GPS) with wireless, Internet, and other communication technologies. They are committed to bringing to market products that improve safety, and therefore peace of mind. The power of location technologies is being harnessed to enable products and services which will help people track their loved ones and receive alerts and warnings. In addition to the "Find Your Favorite Neighborhood Perv" (which is free), there are pay services which you can subscribe to like Monitor your Child, Track your Teen, Care for Elderly and the most important, Trace Your Missing Pet!

Vision 20/20 offers a free web based mashup of sex offender data and Windows Live Maps. Sure there may be a few dolphins caught in the tuna net on the site, but overall a good public service is being done here. Some people believe that this is Big Brother in action. Some of the suggestions for services that this company should provide include people who bounced a check in the past 2 years, people who tried to hook up on line when they’re married, teachers in public schools who drink or do a little weed from time to time, nose-pickers in your neighborhood, owners of gas-guzzling SUVs, and my favorite...politicians with IQs lower than their testicles! (oops.. that’s most of them)

Okay, you must agree that people who do sex crimes against minors are the lowest of the low. Why do you think they try to conceal their crimes in prison to avoid getting the crap kicked out of them? Even murderers think these guys are despicable. If you don’t want your face and address shown on a site like this, think twice about fondling your 10-year-old neighbor next time.

Be sure and visit the Vision 20/20 website (click here), it's fun for the whole vigilante-loving family.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Twinkie Maker To Lay Off 1,300 In Southern California. Workers Blamed For Company's Demise! It Is No Wonder!

Another icon is about to get out of the kitchen. At least here in Southern California where a good old peanut butter and jelly sandwich has been replace with spicy tuna, no trans-fat, piece of hand rolled sushi with sodium light soy sauce! Yes folks, its true, Interstate Bakeries Corp., the bankrupt maker of Wonder bread and Hostess Twinkies, said Tuesday it will exit the bread business in Southern California, laying off about 1,300 workers.The Kansas City-based company said it will close four bakeries in Glendale, Pomona, San Diego and Los Angeles, as well as consolidate about 325 distribution routes and close 17 distribution centers and 19 outlet stores. "While IBC has made marked progress in several problem markets over the last six months, bread operations in Southern California continue to be unprofitable," Craig Jung, the company's chief executive, said in a news release. We'll get to Mr. Jung later.

Now here's where the real bullshit come in. In a zinger of a statement, Jung said the company has struggled in the region with low-cost competitors, changing consumer demand and labor problems. "We must stop reinforcing failure and press harder where there is success," he said. Interstate Bakeries has run into an impasse as it seeks concessions from unions that represent 82 percent of its 25,000 employees. The cuts come as Interstate Bakeries continues trying to streamline costs as it seeks a path out of almost three years of bankruptcy. In that time, the company has slashed its work force by 22 percent and shut down 10 bakeries. The $10.00 per hour worker is to blame, not the greed of the corporate executives. No way. Blame labor. Blame the worker. Blame the unions. Hell, blame everybody else that you've been unable to get your crap together for three years.

Let's look at these executives as opposed to the worker bees, shall we? Mr. Jung’s employment commenced on February 16, 2007 with a base salary of $900,000. He also received a signing bonus (in the bread business?) of $1,200,000. In addition, Mr. Jung is entitled to receive special cash awardsnot to exceed $3,000,000; and will be granted an equity interest in the Company equal to 2% of the number of shares of capital stock issued. Mr. Jung will be also be reimbursed for all relocation costs (including brokerage commission on the sale of his home, temporary living expenses, airfare, moving expenses, storage costs, legal and closing costs on the purchase of a new home, and gross up of these amounts) and expenses (including the legal fees incurred in connection with the preparation and negotiation of the employment agreement). Ahh, executive life. What fun!

Enough of Mr. Jung. He's got the cake with the frosting now. The other top Devil Dogs at IBC make some nice coin too! One of their execs, Ron Hutchison had his salary was increased from $350,000 to $375,000 in June 2007. He resigned from the Company on July 31, 2007! He'll make a total of $521,811 this year. Antonio Alvarez, the former CEO, makes $1,275,000, Michael Kafoure, the President and COO makes $757,822, Richard Seban, the current EVP and CMO makes $553,505 while the retired (yes, retired) EVP and CMO John Suckow makes 1,303,275. That's over 6 million bucks to the top 6 dudes! That's alot of bread. (Pun intended)

According to Sandi Sternberg, an Interstate Bakeries spokeswoman, said that "IBC's distribution system has not fundamentally changed in 75 years and has failed to account for both advances in technology and changes in grocery store and consumer preferences." The union has suggested a number of ways to cut other operations, which it said would save the company $295 million over five years. But Jung on Tuesday warned that the company is running out of time. It has until Oct. 5 to propose a reorganization plan or anyone else can make a proposal, including selling the company."We have weeks, not months or years, to act," Jung said.

So you see? Another big company with management problems blames the labor force. They would never put the blame on themselves now would they? Would they take a pay cut like the Delta employees did to save their company? Hell no! But there is a bright spot in this for all of us Southern Californians who like high amount of fat and sugar in our diets...

The company said it will continue selling Hostess Twinkies, Dolly Madison cakes and doughnuts in the area. That's nice. I wonder if the 1300 unemployed will ever be able to eat a Twinkie again. Damn you IBC, damn you!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

He Ain't Heavy...He's My Brother! And He's Older Than Me Too.

The end of August has always been a pretty wacky time in my family. Yesterday, it was my Mom's birthday. Today, it's another family birthday. That of my brother Mark. He's older than me by 3 years (it feels good to say that) so he's rocketing towards old age just a wee bit faster than I am. As brothers go, he's pretty damn good. He excels in everything he does, was God's gift to everything in high school (including women, which is why I nailed him in this picture) and if you were to compare the two of us - we're totally different but in a weird sort of way.

We grew up outside of Albany, New York to some pretty amazing parents. Dad left our midst last year but Mom is still kickin'! (See yesterdays blog). Being three years apart, I always got his hand-me-downs (who says velour isn't fashionable?) and had to follow his excelsior reputation in school. Even through all that, the fighting and crap that I had to endure as a kid hasn't made me any less fond of him. No matter what, a brother is a brother and that's the way it is...period. He's never forgotten the value of family and neither have any of us.

One thing I can say about Mark, that when you're around him you have fun. I have never laughed so hard as when I've been around him and my family. Some of the stuff we laugh at may be a bit off color, and we may do some very bizarre behavior, but it's all in the name of fun. I always wanted to be around him because we grew up closer than me and my oldest brother who is 10 years older than me. Mark and I got to spit at people on the Scrambler when we were kids, got to ride our styrofoam surfboards in the freezing Maine ocean when we were kids until our stomachs were raw and we were screaming in pain. In high school, it was cast parties and poker games. In college, getting "derailed" at the local pub in Oneonta.

And the fun continues. We make it a tradition to go to Hooters with my older brother whenever we're in Florida. That's are boyz bonding moment. Our Dad used to go too (the girl in the picture is the Hooters waitress who filled my Dad's spot last year) and I'll have to say, we have some good stories to tell. For some reason, no matter how many miles separate us, whenver the three of us get together, we have a blast. We pick on each other like brothers do (we call him "Hef" not because of his resemblence to Hugh Hefner either) and he takes it pretty well. Not matter what happens in our family, it's gotta be fun.

Now when it comes to sports, Mark was the man. He and my brother Paul were extremely competitive. Being the younger brother I tried to stay up but my abilities downright sucked. I got my ass kicked in almost every sport. Mark on the other hand won tournaments, got every high school athletic award possible and was, and still is today, an incredible all around athlete. In fact, Mark is a Los Angeles Tennis Players Association Hall of Fame inductee. (see picture). I've got to say this, if I wanted to be on a winning team, having Mark on it helped out a lot. Also, his skills at acting made him great (and sometime hysterically funny) on the basketball court. I think he was nominated for a few Oscars on his "charging" performances.

Well, there's so much more to say about Hef but I don't want to bore the hell out of you. I think he's turned out pretty good and has a great wife and a daughter and tries to carry out our "family values" in a world where family values have gone to pot. So as the big guy rapidly approaches old age, I've got one final statement which sums up the mushy sentiment you've read here...

Happy Birthday Bro! Keep on rockin'!

Monday, August 27, 2007

Happy Birthday Mom! At 81 Years Old You're Still The Bomb!

Today is a very special day. It's my Mom's 81st Birthday. Wow. 81. I hope I can live that long. My Mom is a very special lady. With all of the dysfunction that's out there in today's insane world, my Mom was able to make it and she's got three very proud and loving sons to prove it. There is so much to say and so many stories to tell. But there really is only one thing I can say to her today as she celebrate the big 81...Happy Birthday Mom!

Mom has always been there for us. She and my Dad raised 3 boys in a time when times were different. She never really worked a job outside our home but she worked her butt off. She was always there when we came home from school and always supported us in whatever we decided to do. She showed us the commitment a Mom must make in raising children. An art from that seems to have long passed. You can say all you want about the "stay-at-home" Mom, she's the most unrecognized worker in the whole world. You see, she was a household executive. A Manager.

She showed us values that are lost in today's world. She kept the three of use boys from killing each other. She was married to my Dad for 50 plus years. She remained at his side through thick and thin. When my Dad passed away last year, it was my Mom who was strong. So strong. Sure she had those times of grief. But she's been able to move on and enjoy her life - spending time with friends and family and doing the things she wants to do. Our goals as sons are to honor her and enjoy her in what precious time she has left. You can look at 81 as being old but this lady is one young 81! She can do more things than most of us and run us ragged when she's got stuff to do. Her pace isn't as fast as when she was younger, but she's still strong and out there doing it! Heck, she learned to drive at 80! She's a human resource department in herself!

My greatest memories are of the family meals. Mom used to make us a full-course, fully-balanced meal. It was served every night out of dishes, not pots and pans. We have some of the most fantastic memories of those meals...many of which she invented. I mean, how can you beat her version of Macaroni, Cheese & Tomato and my personal favorite...Apple Crisp. could eat 3 bowls and a whole Apple Crisp myself. And her Spaghetti and Meatballs. Oh my gosh. You couldn't get better at any Italian restaurant. So you see...she is a fine Chef.

But most of all, of all the jobs she's had and loves the most, it's being a Mom (and a grandma or "baba") that she loves the best. And she's damn good at it. At 81, she's in good shape and will probably live to 100! That's my hope because she's got a lot of love to offer and the many years of wisdom she can impart can't be beat. She'll never leave upstate New York because that's where her home is. That's where our home is. And that home was and is always filled with love, joy and laughter. And if you don't have any of that, that you ain't got squat. What a Mom!

Happy 81st Birthday Mom.
We love you more than you will ever know!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Looking For A Hard To Find, Unique, One-Of-A-Kind Gift? Try This: A Walrus Penis

"Size matters, and the walrus has got everybody beat," said Josh Chait, operations director for the I.M. Chait Gallery auction house in Beverly Hills. Up for auction today is a rare piece of pornographic prehistory - a 12,000-year-old walrus penis. Yes, you read that right. a walrus penis. Some people may not know what a walrus penis looks like. According to Chait, "It's a little sick, but where else are you going to get another one? That's how collectors think."

Among all the fossils, skeletons, meteorites and gemstones for sale Sunday at the I.M. Chait Gallery natural history auction, Lot #127 stands out. It's a mummified baculum, or penis bone, from a species of walrus that went extinct 12,000 years ago. The piece is more than 4 feet long, curves to a point and is covered with weathered skin and dry muscle tissue. Some people may not know what a walrus penis looks like. The ad gives a big clue by saying "bone." Of course, if you know your rats and racoons -- who also have a bone hidden away in their groins -- then you may realize that the walrus variety looks much like a tusk to the unacquainted, and nothing like, say, Rasputin's penis, which reportedly lies in a glass jar in a St. Petersburg laboratory but is not up for sale. A walrus' penis, as the encyclopedia says, is hidden inside its body.

Directors Ron Howard and Steven Spielberg are fossil collectors, as are actors Nicolas Cage and Harrison Ford -- yes, the same Ford who in the "Indiana Jones" films has played a university archaeologist determined to save such treasures from falling into the wrong hands. And the Walrus penis isn’t the only piece of “prehistoric pornography” that will be part of the 200-plus lots available for sale by Chait. Up for auction as well is a pair of mating 40- million-year-old insects (pictured right) from the Baltic region of Russia. The two love bugs, forever trapped in the heat of the moment in amber, are estimated to sell for $700 to $900. If you're interested in bidding on the largest known mammal penis fossil, it is estimated to sell for between $12,000 and $16,000. Here's the details on the auction of Lot #127:

Lot # 127

Odobenus species
Tamyr Peninsula, Russia
This amazing discovery occurred while Russian fossil hunters were combing the defrosting permafrost for Woolly Mammoth fossils. Mistaking this extremely rare find for a badly weathered mammoth tusk, they threw it onto their truck and hoped that it would look better once polished. Luckily, a knowledgeable fossil dealer saw this specimen prior to any cosmetic improvements and realized what it really was; an actual mummified penis from an extinct species of Walrus. Buried in the frozen tundra for tens of thousands of years, the actual skin and muscle tissue which cover the baculum has dried, allowing for this extraordinary preservation.

Among mammals, whales have the largest penis but the walrus has the largest and most robust internal bony penis. So massive is this bony element that Eskimos use it as a killing club during their hunts. The shape of a penis bone or baculum is an important diagnostic feature used to identify species within five orders of mammals: Primates, Rodentia, Insectivora, Carnivora and Kangaroos (marsupials).

This truly one of a kind fossil "member" is among the most bizarre find of ancient erotica to date. Measuring an impressive 4 1/2 feet in length, it comes with a metal display stand.

Bid Now By Clicking Here. Low Est: $16000 High Est: $20000

Who would want to own such an odd thing? Fossils and other ancient relics also are attainable for the average collector and perfect conversation pieces for the home. Now that the picture is in your head, you have no excuses and won't make the mistake of shouting into the phone at Dima asking what it looks like and whether it is hard.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

An American Icon Of Obesity Turns 40! But Who Cares? It's a Damn Good Burger!

For some fast-food junkies, it's cause for celebration and normally, a 40-year-old sandwich would be something to be avoided. Love them or hate them, the Big Mac has grown from its humble beginnings to become a cultural unifier. The triple-decker burger, which helped breed America's super-size culture and restaurants' ever-expanding jumbo meals, is turning 40.

Cleveland has its Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum to celebrate the likes of Mick Jagger and the Beatles. Washington has its Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum to highlight such milestones as man on the moon. Now the home of "twoallbeefpattiesspecialsaucelettucecheese picklesonionsonasesameseedbun" (click on the play burron to the right to hear the 1975 commercial) is a tourist destination. Only time will tell how many visitors will flock to the McDonald's Big Mac Museum Restaurant, where they can be photographed in front of the world's largest Big Mac (14 feet by 12 feet). Now that's a Whopper!

Millions who flock to McDonald's each year to chow down on a Big Mac. The flavors that come together, it's like heaven in your mouth. The Big Mac was first introduced in 1967 by Jim Delligatti, a McDonald's franchise owner in Uniontown, Pa. A year later, it became a staple of McDonald's menus nationwide. To celebrate the burger's anniversary, Delligatti and his family opened a Big Mac Museum Restaurant this week in North Huntingdon, Pa., full of memorabilia, celebratory exhibits and "the world's largest Big Mac statue."

More people in more 100 countries have given in to Big Mac attacks, according to Oak Brook-based McDonald's Corp. There is only one Big Mac and there will only ever be one Big Mac. I'm sure the folks at MickeyDee's had no idea it would sell 550 million a year in the United States today or be sold in 100 countries. In New York City the burger goes for $3.29, in London, $3.61, in Moscow: $1.78 (heck, they barely can get bread there right?), in Paris it's $4.09 (and the size of a Ritz Cracker) and in Tokyo, where it looks like Sushi, it's only $2.26. The Big Mac has become such a pop-culture phenomenon that it has a place in the hearts (and probably the arteries) of most Americans.

Now here's some great factoids about the big burger that's sold at a rate of 17 per second...

With each Big Mac containing 29g of fat, Americans eat an astonishing 17,582 tons of fat from Big Macs each year. That's roughly the weight of more than 40 fully loaded Boeing 747 passenger jets. Yummy!

There are about 178 sesame seeds on a Big Mac bun. And who counted?

In India, the Maharaja Mac is made with chicken, while in Greece the Greek Mac uses the pitta bread and yoghurt from a traditional "souvlaki" sandwich. Yuck,

The Big Mac is not the biggest burger McDonald's sell. The truly ravenous can order a Mega Mac, made with four patties and an extra slice of cheese - but not in England, where it has been deemed too unhealthy. Like the Brits really care? They drink warm beer!

Of all the McDonald's burgers, the Big Mac is the hardest to prepare but it's a skill that former employees Sharon Stone, Shania Twain and Pink mastered. And I'll still bet you that Paris hilton's never had even one!

The current obesity hype has done little to dent the popularity of Mr Delligatti's creation, despite becoming the focus of much bad press. In recent years the company has attempted to shake off its unhealthy image, introducing low-fat, nutritious options such as salads and fruit alongside the burgers, chips and high-fat drinks for which it is famed. Although these adjustments may have helped the public perception of the company, nothing can ever rival the popularity of the gut-busting Big Mac, which contains a whopping 540 calories and 29g of fat. But compared to the Deluxe Breakfast which contains only 1140 calories and 59 grams of fat, it's no big deal. I'll bet Paula Deen eates them! And by the way, to set the record straight on my favoirte McD's sandwich the Filet-O-Fish, it only contains 360 calories and 16 grams of fat...and if I eat one it's like a colonic for about 2 days. but I still love 'em! By the way, the chick in the photo is Tyra Banks!

The pop culture icon has been maligned on Morgan Spurlock's Academy Award-nominated documentary "Super Size Me" and by other critics. and the Big Mac is sometimes held up as a symbol of why Americans are fat and getting fatter. But who cares? An icon is an icon. Maybe they just need to super-size their museum. Mmmm.

Friday, August 24, 2007

The XXX Church: The Surprising Story of Pancakes and Porn!

Seems like some places give you just eggs and bacon. So what's with the porn in the morn? Well, in Fort Meyers, Florida a church is using a controversial electronic billboard ad to get people in the pews. The latest billboard is boasting porn and pancakes. But as you'll soon find out, it's a way of reaching out to those who are addicted to porn.

The reality is your son or daughter probably knows much more about technology than you think. They likely know more about computers and the Internet than you do. That is why you need to be informed of what is out there and aware of the possibility that your son or daughter could be into something inappropriate. Americans aged 13 to 18 spend more than 72 hours a week using electronic media - defined as the Internet, cell phones, television, music, and video games and 87% of all teens are online. Check out these statistics:

  • 51% of you say porn is a temptation.
  • 69% of you started looking at porn out of curiosity.
  • 37% of you say it's currently a struggle.
  • 53% of you have visited porn sites in the past year.
  • 18% percent of you look at porn a couple times a month.
  • 30% of you do not talk to anyone about your dirty little secret.
  • 4 in 10 of you looked at porn today.
  • 100% of you need accountability.

People in his town are taking notice. It's an ad for porn and pancakes, that First Assembly Ministries put up because they say porn is destroying families and people's lives. "Porn and pancakes...they don't go together," Fort Myers Resident Curtis Douglas.

Porn and pancakes (website) is a men's breakfast aimed at preventing porn addiction and educating the public about the perils of pornography. "Over and over again you hear the stories the sad awful stories of people whose lives have been torn-up by this thing of pornography," he said. "We've had a lot of people call and ask what it was but honestly it was overwhelmingly positive."

The event's special guest is Craig Ross, the pastor of XXX Church (website). Craig Ross calls himself a "Porn Pastor," he is the founder of, he is proud of their brand of advertising, “Yeah, it's out there it's in your face and we're not going to apologize for some of the things that we do." They've even brought pron star Ron Jeremy along with them to debate this issue. Yikes!

The online church started 5 years ago. estimates one million hits a month with a third of those visitors looking for actual porn. The site offers resources for browsers and addicts. has one licensed clinical counselor, but they do not consider themselves a counseling ministry, rather, they say they're a loud, vocal opponent of the porn industry. Whatever people may think about the ministry however, it seems the message is loud and clear.

We love our kids and think they are they are the best. Often when a child gets into inappropriate material, we dismiss it as 'kids being kids'. Well, parents should be parents. We are called to protect our children to the best of our abilities. That means we must get over the naivety that we have toward our children and understand their access to technology in our homes.

This is a great solution. It is a real recovery program that you take on your computer. Yes, I know, your computer is also where you get your porn. That is the great thing....turn your computer from your greatest enemy into your greatest asset. Pure Online, XXX's online porn ministry can transform your life. It costs money, yes. But think about how much it is worth to you - and how much you have probably spent on your habit.

I pray that they don't serve pancakes that look like this plate. Cuz for some people ...this may be a little hard to swallow!

If you need help: My church has a program called Celebrate Recovery that deals with the porn addiction and other type of addictions. It is a great, anonymous place to help you get over this dreaded illness. For more information on the Celebrate Recovery program, visit our churches website at