Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Don't Know What To Dress Up As For Halloween? Try These Costumes On For Size...Literally!

Welcome to my Halloween Edition of Discover Insanity. Halloween, a time for dressing up and trick or treating, or going to parties. I'm sure people are tired of seeing the witch, sexy cop, Spiderman and the like, so here are a few options for your costume this go around. In this article you may find some controversial costume ideas, but hey, it's all in fun right? Or is it? I do not encourage actually using any of these costumes...

Punk Rock Heroin Addict
The 80's punk rock, heroin addict. This costume may get you arrested. Start off by dressing in nothing but your underwear. Draw some jailhouse tattoos on yourself. Take the time to break bottles and cut yourself with the glass. Always have a bottle of Jack Daniels ready. Urinate anywhere and anytime you feel the urge. Eventually, get naked and just like Paris Hilton, end up in jail. Then you overdose on heroin. Then you'll get the sentence that she got!

Don Imus
You remember the nappy headed ho's thing, right? Remember, Don Imus is a really old person. Imus needs a cowboy hat, a boring radio show, and a beard that looks like he almost changed into a werewolf. Just walk around saying stupid crap about people who acheived success by actually working for it and get ready for some unique reactions. Maybe you'll even get shot!

The Priest, Modern Day
We've all seen the typical priest costume. It's been done a hundred times. But add one of thoes little stuffed kids you see standing outside novelty shops and then watch the reaction. In today's time of Priests and sex crimes, this costume is quite topical. Just grab that kid and attach it to your waist. But be ready to be accused and sued by somebody who remembers what you wore today in about 20 to 30 years. Then you can pay them some big bucks to shut them up. You see, this costume gives you an idea for later!

Iraqi Terrorist
This one could be outdated, but dressing up as a terrorist from Iraq will be fun. Simply wear a nice robe and grow a beard. If you can't grow a beard then use one of those kits I seen in Jackass 2. Affix noose to neck, and be sure to carry around some explosive device strapped to your chest. Also you can travel with a gang of others wearing those headdresses, surely to get you shot in the Deep South.

Britney Spears
You really can't go wrong here. Simply don a wig. Put on your finest tramp clothes. Lose the panties. Put the cigarette firmly in mouth. Drag two babies (preferably not real) around. Run into parked cars. And carry an umbrella just in case you see a car that needs to be beaten. Shave your head by the end of the day. A Southern drawl should be included, as well as an entourage of bloodsucking papparazzi.

Modern Sheep Farmer
They say that in the South it a place where "Men are men and sheep are nervous." Now you can make this saying come true with this unique costume. Just get a nice Hawaiian shirt, put on some boxers and strap this "alternative to women" to you crotch and you'll be the hit of every party. And don't be surprised if someone asks you to borrow the sheep after the Holiday. Baaaaaaaa!

The Roloff Family
Have you seen the family of midgets from the show Little People, Big World? Wear a red sweater and some crutches to be the father, Matt Roloff. You also need a know it all attitude along with a Napoleon Complex. For the mother, Amy, just be sure to put a pillow in the back of your pants to show off that booty. For sister, whatever her name is, just grab a neighborhood white trash kid to play the role. The twins, Zach and Jeremy. Grabs some soccer shorts and your soccer ball, also walk around with your mouth open all the time with your tongue hanging out a little to pull off the perfect Zach. Once I think about it, this is boring. Scratch that idea.

The Walking Vagina
If you normally look like a nerd, this costume's for you. No longer will you be called a "pussywhipped" if you where this one. You'll actually be one! If you want to offend most every woman out there and never get a date again in your life, then this one's for you. And be sure to add the tampon in there to give it a dose of reality. More power to ya buddy. Stand up for who you really are. And be ready to bleed.

So there you have it. Now you've got some great costume ideas that may make you the winner of the "Best Costume" contest. Or maybe you'll get shot! It's your decide. Have a safe (don't drink and drive, there's kids out there) Halloween and don't eat all the candy before the kids come!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Boobs With A Purpose: It's The End Of Breast Cancer Awareness Month And You Can Help!

For over twenty years, October has been designated National Breast Cancer Awareness month. This year, everywhere you look you see some sort of pink stuff promoting the event. From the little donation pads at the supermarkets to M&M's, it'll kind of drive you crazy. The first program took place in 1985, and today the program has national public service organizations, professional medical associations, government agencies and many others working together to promote awareness and education and to raise money towards research.

All around the country you’ll find charity events, walks, scientific symposiums, etc. all geared toward the cause. Of course, here in Hollywood there will be celebrity-saturated parties, so-called "pink-carpet" events, auctions and more. This new marketing trend is one we're going to be seeing a lot more of in the future. Because for the big $$$ corporations, causes such as this, especially when you combine it with a woman's breasts, make big profits. Now how could you go wrong?

But – ah yes, I’m FINALLY getting to the part about the famous breasts! – one Hollywood website has already made a unique tribute to this important month. The website created a list of 'The 50 Best Breasts In Movie History,' along with links to YouTube so we can all see clips from the famous films that launched a thousand…well, you know. Here's some of my fav's from their list and I added my personal best to the end of the list.

Raquel Welch. She starred in "Mother, Juggs and Speed." Do you have to guess her role? Welch was the 60's era siren who made all the men howl. Even when she starred in a dumb movie (and "One Million Years B.C." and "Fantastic Voyage" weren't exactly "Citizen Kane") the film was always memorable for two reasons. Your hat has to go off to any woman who could emote in a suede bikini or a form fitting suit that was so tight we could see what she ate for lunch.

Chesty Morgan. All the photos we could find of Chesty Morgan (yes, she did go by that name) were just not CBS 2/KCAL 9 appropriate. So all we can say is go do a web search for her. Trust us. You gotta see her to believe her. And even then, you might not believe her.

Brigitte Bardot. This famed French actress is a former fashion model, singer, animal rights activist, and arguably, the embodiment of the 1950s/1960s sex kitten. Meow! Now I've never seen her in a movie but from the looks of her, she probably was the Farrah Fawcett of her time. I guess there's on for every generation.

Jessica Rabbit. We were unable to find a suitable picture of Jessica Rabbit, from the famed disney film "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?," so we opted for the next best thing. Take all the woman in this list and combine them in a cartoon character. Arghh. Just look at the...ears on that one.

Scarlett Johansson. Over the last 5 years, Scarlett’s bombshell body has become the new Hollywood ideal. After seeing her in "Lost In Translation," she was just a figure that a lot of people could get behind. Or was that a behind to get...aww forget it.

Farrah Fawcett. Now what teenager in his right mind didn't have this poster glued to their walls? And some of are still wondering what the glue was we really used! I think mist guys watched "Charlie's Angel's" for a boob shot from this hottie. It definitely wasn't for the intense dramatic storyline!

Meg Ryan. Who could forget her? All American Girl? Any movie she's ever been in she made a hit. "When Harry Met Sally", "Sleepless in Seattle"...the list goes on. She is the best description of "cutie" ever put out there. She made the frumpy look even sexy. But why in God's name did she marry that Quaid dude?

Emily Proctor. Most girls from the south are cute no matter what they look like. From her "debut" in the made-for-video movie "Breast Men" to her roles in "West Wing" and "CSI:Miami", Emily's the true essence of Southern Charm. And if you're ever seen that first film, I say she was blesssed as well as charmed.

It's now the end of October and the M&M Promotion will end soon. There are many women out there who have Breast Cancer. Let's do all we can to support the fight to end this disease. Special bags of M&M's will be on sale thru November, 2004. (The bags are clearly marked). For each 8-ounce bag of the special candies sold, the makers of M&M's will donate 50 cents to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. The next time you want a treat, (and I gave you one here) please pick up a bag now sold in stores nationwide. You will be donating to a great cause and satisfying your sweet tooth. The life you save one day may be your own.

Monday, October 29, 2007

From the Boob Files: Is This What They Call "Customer Service"?

A barmaid was fuming after being "potato sacked" because her bosses thought her boobs were too small. The 23-year-old 34B cup employee at the Gentleman’s Turf bikini bar in Crawley, West Sussex, was told not to come back after employers saw the way she filled out her skimpy uniform. The uniform was a requirement of the job at the sexy bar. The woman, who did not want to be named, said: “They told me I couldn’t work there because my breasts were too small.” Manager Gee Evans added: “She made claims on her application form that she had the figure to fill the role but this turned out to be rubbish.” I can see an "A", but a "B"? Gosh, thoise Brits are tough!

Also in the category of amusing, read on...

An Australian barmaid has been fined for crushing beer cans between her bare breasts while an off-duty colleague has been fined for hanging spoons from her friend’s nipples, police said Wednesday. Police in Western Australia said the 31-year old barmaid pleaded guilty in the local magistrate’s court to twice exposing her breasts to patrons at the Premier Hotel in Pinjarra, south of the state capital, Perth.

The woman “is alleged to have also crushed beer cans between her breasts during one of the offences,” in breach of hotel licensing laws, police from the Peel district of Western Australia said in a statement. The barmaid and the hotel manager were both fined $900. I wouldn't want to get my head near those things!

And now in chicken wing news...

I got a response from Hooter's Hotline (what the heck is that name) concerning ym complain about the service at the Burbank, CA restaurant. It seemed very boilerplate if you ask me. I'm sure that my complaint will get about as much attention as a fart in the forest but we'll see what happens in this saga about my quest for chicken wings. So, without further ado, here's their "official" response.

We at the Hooters Hotline received your comments today regarding the poor quality of service and management you encountered at our restaurant in Burbank, California recently. We genuinely apologize for the dissatisfaction your Hooters visits caused and appreciate your taking the time to write us. Feedback such as yours helps us identify ways to improve in our continuous quest to deliver the ultimate Hooters guest experience.

Because we want to share your remarks with our restaurant, we have forwarded your message to the general manager in Burbank, the area supervisor, and the appropriate franchise contact. Our desire is to make Hooters your choice once again for terrific food, beverages, and fun.

Thank you, Mr. Sawyer, for sharing your comments. We apologize again and look forward to making your next Hooters visit a pleasant and memorable one.

Should you like more information about us, please visit us on the Web at


Hooters Hotline...We give a Hoot!

Wow. Does that amaze you? No complimentary meal. Nothing to make the customer happy. And like the manager in Burbank is going to give a flying crap and do something about it. So where is my "ultimate Hooters guest experience"? Either Pasadena or Melbourne, Florida. Sure as hell ain't Burbank!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

A Halloween Party Done Right!

Halloween. Not normally one of my favorite holidays of the year. Maybe it was the fact that as a kid we usually had to trick or treat around rural upstate New York in 30 degree temperatures with snow falling. Doesn't that sound like fun. But I guess I'm unlike most people. One of my good friends, Mike, decided to throw his final (sure it is) Halloween Party. Sure, he says this now...but I'll bet he has another one next year. It was the chance for friends and co-workers to dress up (and we all looked much better than in real life), get down and really party. With a few fun added bonuses thrown in.

This is no little Halloween Party. When Mike and his wife (and my hairstylist) Sam throw a party, they do it right. The place was decorated to the hilt with Halloween stuff all over the place to remind you of what Holiday we were really celebrating. After a few cocktails, hell, it could have been Christmas. Mike organized this shindig through a really cool website and although it cost $25 per person, with the food, evil spirits, and the entertainment, it was well worth it.

One of the fun highlights was a real live casino. There were blackjack tables, poker tables, roulette and even craps. Although my blackjack dealer could barely count the cards sometimes and she paid out differently from time to time, I still blew all my "fake money" at the table. Mike even gave me another $1500 to blow and that went quicker than his appetizers! Everybody had a blast playing the tables and downing the cocktails served by the party servers. Heck, it was one of the few events that most people stayed until past 11:00 PM! Remember, as you get older, sleep gets much more appealing.

The costumes worn by the guests were definitely creative. From my wife dressed as an angel, to me as a perverted priest with Humphrey the Humping Dog strapped to my leg, some of the costumes were quite creative and fit the personalities of the wearers. There were Foster Farms Chickens, 70's retro people, a pimp with his nun, an evil guy who we couldn't figure out who he was, a British Shiite, a Court Jester and many others. A couple of people came as themselves...that is usually scary enough.

The cool part about it all is that people had fun and got a week bit tipsy. Mike made sure that everybody was safe to go home (how responsible, hunh?) The line "Are you as drunk as I am?" was heard all over the place and reminded me of an upcoming Big Bang Theory episode on CBS this week. Check it out, it'll give you an idea about Halloween Partying.

You know, it's kinda cool to go to a party that's so well executed. Kind of reminded me of one of those FoodTV shows. People really got into the theme and it showed in so many of the creative costumes, etc. Sure, some of you readers aren't going to give a flying crap about this blog but for those of you who do, check out the complete photo album I posted on Snapfish by clicking here!

With all the wildfires here in Southern California (with one being less than a mile from Mike & Sam's house) this was a definite relief to the stress that many people were under. But the big question remains. I'm sure Guido will bitch about how much work it was and that he'll never have one again. But if I know Guido, he'll be doing it all over again. And the next one will be even better! But I don't think I'll be having Humphrey humping my leg next time - he hooked up with a Teddy Bear!

Again, check out the photo album by Clicking Here!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

FEMA Holds A Press Conference After A Night Of Partying On Crack!

The questions were predictably soft and gratuitous. "I'm very happy with FEMA's response," Johnson said in reply to one query from an agency employee. The Federal Emergency Management Agency, much maligned for its sluggish response to Hurricane Katrina over two years ago, arranged to have FEMA employees play the part of independent reporters Tuesday and ask questions of Vice Adm. Harvey E. Johnson, the agency’s deputy director. FEMA gave real reporters only 15 minutes notice about Tuesday's news conference . But because there was so little advance notice, the agency made available an 800 number so reporters could call in. And many did, although it was a listen-only arrangement. Talk about controlling the media, hunh?

We criticize our press for the control of information but when the government does it, who can we trust? White House press secretary Dana Perino said it was not appropriate that the questions were posed by agency staffers instead of reporters. FEMA was responsible for the "error in judgment," she said, adding that the White House did not know about it beforehand and did not condone it. "FEMA has issued an apology, saying that they had an error in judgment when they were attempting to get out a lot of information to reporters, who were asking for answers to a variety of questions in regard to the wildfires in California," Perino said. "It's not something I would have condoned. And they — I'm sure — will not do it again." She said the agency was just trying to provide information to the public, through the press, because there were so many questions. I think FEMA actually showed up at a Rave party and got a little high on extasy!

Firefighters are still fighting the wildfires and are mopping up the mess that forced thousands of Californians from their neighborhoods. This week's wind-whipped wildfires had people returning to their homes, some of them finding their property unscathed amid the destruction and others discovering nothing but blackened rubble. "I don't think that there was any mal-intent," Perino said "It was just a bad way to handle it, and they know that." Officials at the Homeland Security Department, which includes FEMA, expressed their concern. "This is simply inexcusable and offensive to the secretary that such a mistake could be made," Homeland Security spokeswoman Laura Keehner said Friday, referring to DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff. "Stunts such as this will not be tolerated or repeated." Keehner said senior leadership is considering whether a punishment is necessary.

Considering whether punishment is necessary? Helllloooo! Considering the scope of this disaster, I hope FEMA is investigated and the people in charge, screwing Americans over in need of assistance by a stupid "error in judgement" are sentenced to maximum jail terms. We are supposed to trust and rely as Americans on agencys such as this to help us out in our hours of need. This type of crap just goes to show that when it comes to information, you can't even trust the people in charge. Gosh, I love America!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Hey Dick Cheney? Screw Your Nap. We Need Some Help Out Here!

It makes me wonder what the hell these guys are doing in their spare time? Are they going out and partying at strip clubs or what? In this case maybe somebody must have changed his meds...or he’s been staying up late watching the latest torture videos from Iraq. Or planning for another uneccessary war with Iran. The vice president of the United States Dick Cheney had his moment Wednesday, and it just so happened that cameras were rolling. Oops!

President George W. Bush was discussing the wildfires which have ravaged our beautiful paradise called California when Cheney started to snooze. I guess all the talk about the fires, the massive amount of destruction, the loss of lives, homes and businesses, the fact that some asshole may have lit them intentionally and the valiant effort of our firefighters was just too damn boring for him. Let's not pretend that fire in CA hurts Dick's feelings. This doesn't hurt his feelings any more than Katrina did when New Orleans was destroyed.

Maybe Shooter just finds human suffering dull (at least the kind he hasn’t personally caused). Maybe he was just meditating. Maybe he was praying. (Okay, I'm stretching here.) Maybe it was the fact that his boss is really dull. Perhaps even the vice president needs a power nap once in awhile just not when good people have lost thousands of homes and stuff. He could at least have stayed awake for that. A briefing on the Iraq crap, okay. I'll give him that one.

Nodding off in front of the boss during an important meeting is never a good idea, but it happens to the best of us. Just don't do it in front of the cameras! I hope he got a chunk bitten out of his ass after this one!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Light Graffiti: The Newest Trend In The Art Community Will Surely Be Overused - But It's Cool!

It's the newest trend in street art. You've seen the commercial and variations of it so many times, I'm sure, if you're like me, you said to yourself, "How the hell is that done?" Most people think it's computer generated (CG), but it's not. This Sprint commercial employs an awesome flashlight-painting stop motion animation. Basically, if the artist chose to do it the real way without CG, they used a flashlight to draw each frame of the stop motion animation during a long exposure shot. It had to have taken days to accomplish, and, I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of coordination that was necessary to pull it off. This YouTube video will give you a "behind the scenes" look on how it was done!

The newest trend in graffiti art is simple, unique and leaves no mess or trace at all behind. Light graffiti is made from different types of light sources and time-lapse photography and allows artists to create things they would never be able draw in a style they would never be able to with just spray-paint. And there is no vandalism involved.

In order to make light graffiti all you need is an assortment of lights, such as flashlights, biking lights, glowsticks, blinking LED lights and anything else that works with batteries. You can also use lights that plug in, but then you are limited to where you can go and don't have the mobility of battery powered lights.. Fireworks and torches also work well. Experiment with different lights and reflecting lights off things to see what results you like best.

For the best results you should use a tripod when taking pictures. The exposure on your camera should be set at somewhere between 10 and 30 seconds, but can be as long as you need to get the effect you want. Set the camera to iso100 and close the aperture as much as you can.

By standing in front of the camera and moving around a lot while creating their art, light graffiti artists become nothing more than just a ghost like blur, if they are even caught at all on the film. Wherever the light is moved a streak of light is created that will show up in the photo later. Artists write words, draw cartoons, turn various objects into monsters and much more. All using nothing more than light.

Any thing, person or place can become part of light graffiti, because it only takes a minute. The artist can choose to let himself be seen in the photo and interact with his art instead of staying hidden, or can use other people. Light graffiti might not have the same physical presence of conventional graffiti but is similar to tagging something and having it be removed the next day. It is only there in photos. A big difference is that no one complains about light graffiti because no one knows it existed. Once the light has faded only the people who see the photos will know it was ever there.

You don't have to be an artist to create light graffiti. The only thing you really need to know to create your own light masterpieces is how to experiment. And I'm sure by the time you're done reading this, it'll be so damn overused that we'll move on to the next creative trend. Our lawmakers will then create a law to requiring you to show your ID beofre purchasing a lightstick. Kids will start huffing it and snorting it. Then we'll be back to just spraypaint and clean walls. Isn't life grand?

Light Grafitti Pictures by Lichftaktor -