Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Don't Know What To Dress Up As For Halloween? Try These Costumes On For Size...Literally!

Welcome to my Halloween Edition of Discover Insanity. Halloween, a time for dressing up and trick or treating, or going to parties. I'm sure people are tired of seeing the witch, sexy cop, Spiderman and the like, so here are a few options for your costume this go around. In this article you may find some controversial costume ideas, but hey, it's all in fun right? Or is it? I do not encourage actually using any of these costumes...

Punk Rock Heroin Addict
The 80's punk rock, heroin addict. This costume may get you arrested. Start off by dressing in nothing but your underwear. Draw some jailhouse tattoos on yourself. Take the time to break bottles and cut yourself with the glass. Always have a bottle of Jack Daniels ready. Urinate anywhere and anytime you feel the urge. Eventually, get naked and just like Paris Hilton, end up in jail. Then you overdose on heroin. Then you'll get the sentence that she got!

Don Imus
You remember the nappy headed ho's thing, right? Remember, Don Imus is a really old person. Imus needs a cowboy hat, a boring radio show, and a beard that looks like he almost changed into a werewolf. Just walk around saying stupid crap about people who acheived success by actually working for it and get ready for some unique reactions. Maybe you'll even get shot!

The Priest, Modern Day
We've all seen the typical priest costume. It's been done a hundred times. But add one of thoes little stuffed kids you see standing outside novelty shops and then watch the reaction. In today's time of Priests and sex crimes, this costume is quite topical. Just grab that kid and attach it to your waist. But be ready to be accused and sued by somebody who remembers what you wore today in about 20 to 30 years. Then you can pay them some big bucks to shut them up. You see, this costume gives you an idea for later!

Iraqi Terrorist
This one could be outdated, but dressing up as a terrorist from Iraq will be fun. Simply wear a nice robe and grow a beard. If you can't grow a beard then use one of those kits I seen in Jackass 2. Affix noose to neck, and be sure to carry around some explosive device strapped to your chest. Also you can travel with a gang of others wearing those headdresses, surely to get you shot in the Deep South.

Britney Spears
You really can't go wrong here. Simply don a wig. Put on your finest tramp clothes. Lose the panties. Put the cigarette firmly in mouth. Drag two babies (preferably not real) around. Run into parked cars. And carry an umbrella just in case you see a car that needs to be beaten. Shave your head by the end of the day. A Southern drawl should be included, as well as an entourage of bloodsucking papparazzi.

Modern Sheep Farmer
They say that in the South it a place where "Men are men and sheep are nervous." Now you can make this saying come true with this unique costume. Just get a nice Hawaiian shirt, put on some boxers and strap this "alternative to women" to you crotch and you'll be the hit of every party. And don't be surprised if someone asks you to borrow the sheep after the Holiday. Baaaaaaaa!

The Roloff Family
Have you seen the family of midgets from the show Little People, Big World? Wear a red sweater and some crutches to be the father, Matt Roloff. You also need a know it all attitude along with a Napoleon Complex. For the mother, Amy, just be sure to put a pillow in the back of your pants to show off that booty. For sister, whatever her name is, just grab a neighborhood white trash kid to play the role. The twins, Zach and Jeremy. Grabs some soccer shorts and your soccer ball, also walk around with your mouth open all the time with your tongue hanging out a little to pull off the perfect Zach. Once I think about it, this is boring. Scratch that idea.

The Walking Vagina
If you normally look like a nerd, this costume's for you. No longer will you be called a "pussywhipped" if you where this one. You'll actually be one! If you want to offend most every woman out there and never get a date again in your life, then this one's for you. And be sure to add the tampon in there to give it a dose of reality. More power to ya buddy. Stand up for who you really are. And be ready to bleed.

So there you have it. Now you've got some great costume ideas that may make you the winner of the "Best Costume" contest. Or maybe you'll get shot! It's your decide. Have a safe (don't drink and drive, there's kids out there) Halloween and don't eat all the candy before the kids come!