Monday, October 1, 2007

One Of Life's Simple Pleasures: Junk Mail!

Spam. It's that crap that seems to fill our email boxes constantly. Unless you're on of those select few that use those filters provided by your ISP. But my question is this. Do you have any idea about some of the good crap that you're missing? There's some great stuff out there. Sure, many of them are loaded with viruses and pop-ups, but I've got a Macintosh and I don't give a crap. This stuff amazes me. I learn new things everyday. Here's some reason why junk mail makes me feel important and just makes my day.

I enjoyed knowing I could get six free dinners...somewhere. Okay, so two were just wings and beer. Dinner is dinner when it's free. The toughest part was deciding which of the dozens of invitations from financial planners, real estate investors, and attorneys to accept. Then all I had to do was dial the handy number listed and tell them I was coming. By the way, where the hell is '01 253' anyway?

I get to experiment with different spellings of my name. New spellings are almost always fun, aren't they? Just today, I got to imagine being Pete, Petre, psawq, Petter, Peeter and Cletus. I decided I didn't really prefer any of them to my own name, but when I saw Peeter in my inbox, that was an much better than over Cletus. However, the one addressed to Возможное использование hit the trash, unopened.

I watched the value of my home quadruple over a year. This was enlightening, especially due to the drop in real estate values during the same time period. According to all the lenders trying to persuade me to take out a loan, my little 1,080-square-foot house must have morphed into a McMansion without my noticing it. Finding out about my new increased net worth was an upper.

I have a ton of available credit. According to my calculations, in the past six months, I've been offered available credit up to half a 3.5 million dollars. That's reassuring in case I ever lose my job. And those $99 fees? They don't bother me, I'll just put them on the card. But I don't think I'm going for the PETA card. They don't allow me to use it at Sizzler.

I get free drugs. Never mind that I don't need Viagara or Cialas. They keep telling me things like "If you have been suffering from a small penis, we finally have the solution that will put a huge smile on your woman's face." And it's good to know that these drugs are available at a low cost.

And my good friend Vanessa Stevens wrote to me telling me something I didn't realize this was even available - "The best in fighting ED. You feel a zero in bed. Try Penis Enlarge Patch. Your penis will be one in a million with Penis Enlarge Patch." My vet said to try it on my dog, so once the marketing folks get his name, he too will receive junk mail.

I finally get to know who my neighbors are. I guess there are alot of people in my town that want to be my friend. Everyday I get MySpace requests from Linda, Becky, Tammy, Layla and others. But each time I go to add them to my friends list, they're gone! And they've left me a really nice link to some penis enlargment pill or device. My good online friend Marianne told me "What do you reckon about this, Marianne would like to know. Given that you are you usually in the know, I would guess you have heard about the Ring?" How did she know? Is she getting those emails meant for me from the drug companies?

I'm associated with many charities. Every animal group in the world considers me their dear friend. I get updates from the Humane Society on a daily basis and the Red Cross know I'll be there for them in any disaster. But you've got to be careful with charities. Some of them are after your money. I was a bit suspicous of Big Boys Big Girls and Convent House. The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot that I donated to them last week!

I got $1800 software cheap. These offers come to me all the time. My good online friend Blake Morgan tells me, "0EM means Origina1 Equipment Manufacturer. So 0EM is synonym for 1owest price.OEM software means no CD/DVD, no packing box, no book1ets and no overhead cost!" I mean, where can you get great high-end software like Windows XP Pro, Adobe Premiere, Adobe Photoshop CS3 and Adobe After Effects for only $49! And you know what, thanks to nanotechnology, they can now put all this software on a single floppy disk. Amazing!

I get wonderful blog ideas. Ideas from junk mail provide part of my livelihood. I write articles as the result of what landed in my mailbox. And bless the hospital in Madagascar for mass-mailing a newsletter about their newest mammography equipment. I'm thrilled to share that information, too. And some of the business opportunities are amazing. Did any of you realize that "People are generating $ 1 5 O O to $ 3 5 O O at home returning phone calls." Count me in. I can watch Oprah and Dr. Phil and make money at the same time? Awesome!

The only problem I have with junk mail is trying to figure out what I would do with bigger breasts? My man-boobs are big enough. Besides, it's not likne I'm gonna work at Hooter's or anything. I can make money making phone calls in my underwear!