Saturday, September 1, 2007

Was Senator Craig Really Looking For Gay Sex Or Did He Just Get The Morse Code Wrong?

You know what gets me? The description of what Idaho Senator John Craig did in that Minnesota bathroom. I'm a pretty well read guy. I mean, I read tons of stuff in the paper and on the internet every day. I had no idea how exactly random bathroom gay hookups were accomplished. I learn something new every day. I particularly liked his explanation that when he uses the can, he has a wide stance. That fact alone should be grounds for a recall. No man should violate the invisibile line that is your domain in the bathroom. Look Senator Craig: the rules are simple. No talking, no acknowledgement of another man's gastronomical distress, courtesy flushes are encouraged, no repeated attempts to enter an occupied stall, and certainly no foor or hand intrustion to my poopeytrooper drop zone.

I've tapped my foot plenty of times in bathrooms, whether public restrooms or the bathroom at home. It's because I'm a type A personality. And I've never propositioned for gay sex. If it isn't tapping a foot, it's jingling change or car keys, drumming a desk, table, or armrest of a chair with my fingers, or repeatedly clicking pen. Honestly, isn't it possible that Sen. Craig was just killing time while taking care of a matter of a personal nature? Or did he just get the Morse Code wrong?

"I'm not gay. I don't do these kinds of things," Craig told the officer. "You shouldn't be out to entrap people." Any gay man knows what tapping your foot while sitting on the john in a public toilet means. It means you are available. And here’s another thing. Any gay man knows the difference between some guy in a stall tapping his foot to the beat of the latest Wham song on his Walkman. A Tap, Tap, Tap means you are “looking.” The cops know it, too. If a man in the stall next door goes, tappity, tap, tap, tappity, tap, tap, the cop knows that the person is not looking. If the person is going Tap, Tap, Tap it’s plenty obvious.

Craig may announce at a news conference in Boise this morning that he will resign his seat (pun intended). The announcement follows by just five days the disclosure that he had pleaded guilty Aug. 1 to a reduced misdemeanor charge arising out of his arrest June 11 at the Minneapolis airport. The three-term Republican senator had maintained that he did nothing wrong except for making the guilty plea without consulting a lawyer. But he found almost no support among Republicans in his home state or Washington. Heck, how many more of these guys want to be exposed and open the door to Hillary Clinton as President?

Our politicians in Washington have a wee bit of a reputation for this type of crap. I mean, look at their record here...

In July, U.S. Sen. David Vitter, R-La., acknowledged having been in touch with the D.C. Madam, whose phone records were examined by an investigator for Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt. Vitter went into seclusion for a week, then had a news conference with his wife to apologize for his conduct.

Last fall, Mark Foley, a Republican congressman from Florida, resigned from Congress after news reports surfaced that he sent lewd computer messages to a former congressional page. Last week, a Florida newspaper reported that he is unlikely to face criminal charges.

In 1998, the House of Representatives impeached President Bill Clinton after his affair with former intern Monica Lewinsky became public. The Senate acquitted the Democratic president.

And at the height of the public interest in Clinton’s affair with Lewinsky, Idaho had its own Washington sex scandal when the late U.S. House Rep. Helen Chenowith, a Republican, admitted that she had once had a six-year affair with a married man.

I hope you've all learned a few things from today's episode of Discover Insanity. Don't be a politician is one. Get that Restless Leg Syndrome fixed quickly is two. And three, there is only one piece of business you should be doing in the bathroom!

And I thought 3 taps meant ‘pass the business section!’.