Saturday, September 22, 2007

Useless Inventions: Who Invents This Crap?

I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone say, "I wish I had invented that!" Well folks, there are nerds out there all over the world inventing useless crap that probaby will make them a lot of money. Take Bill Gates for example. He may have been a nerd in high school but now that he's got more money than God, he's got no problem with the ladies! And so, in honor of all those nerd creating crap, her's some actual US Patents that you may be interested in purchasing...

Anti-abduction device - U.S. Patent No. 6,263,710

An anti-abduction device for preventing or discouraging the unlawful abduction of a child or person. The anti-abduction device comprises a pair of bracelets with each bracelet being adapted to fit around the arm of a person. More particularly, the bracelets include an interconnecting structure that enables the bracelets to be interconnected. In use the bracelets are disposed about the arms of a child or person. In an abduction threat the child or person places his or her arms around an object. Because the bracelets assume an interconnected mode after the arms have been extended around the object, it follows that the child or person is effectively tied to the object and this will serve to frustrate the abduction attempt.

So let me get this straight... I'm supposed to place these on my child and just hope that he or she doesn't accidentally lock himself around something? Not to mention, if there were an abduction attempt, you've essentially just made your child a sitting duck for an abductor to assault. I think this device should be used when they capture the kidnapper!

Feces Scale - U.S. Patent No.1,493,22

"A weighing device especially adapted for weighing feces as excreted..." "The operation is obvious. After the feces are deposited a reading is made. Then to wash the tray, the finger is pressed down on the cap 18 and the closet simultaneously flushed."

I am dumbfounded as to why anybody would ever actually need to weight their own feces and urine, and I think that there is little else to be said about the stupidity of this device. But I guess now when you come out of the bathroom saying, "I took a massive dump", at least now you'll be able to prove it!

Vacuum Operated Hair Clipper - U.S. Patent No. 3,138,870:

"This invention relates to powered clippers of the class operated by attachment to a vacuum cleaner or other air pump, and is particularly directed to certain improvements in air driven clippers productive of greater versatility and increased performance therein."

So, pretty much what we've got here is the 'Flow-Bee', which by the way, depicts my every thought of what could potentially go wrong with such an asinine device...Turn it off man, turn it off! It's sucking my will to live! Oh, the humanity!"

Birthday Cake Candle Extinguisher - U.S. Patent No. 3,150,831

"This invention concerns a candle extinguisher particularly adapted for extinguishing lighted candles on birthday cakes and the like."

Wow. Yet another testament to humanity's newfound laziness. Apparently, we're so physically inept that we're officially unable to blow out our own freakin' birthday candles? Good God...

Marine Mammal Communication Device - U.S. Patent No. 5,392,735

"An innovative communication device and learning tool that enables marine mammals, such as dolphins, to communicate with humans and with each other. The communication device includes a keyboard having a plurality of hollow keys. Each key includes a switch which can be activated by the dolphin, and a two- or three-dimensional object which can be distinguished by dolphins from other objects in other keys both visually and through echolocation."

Do people really have this much time on their hands? I wasn't surprised to read that the Walt Disney Company was the Assginee! I mean, what exactly do these people think that they would possibly be able to achieve here? On second thought-I hope that this thing is made one day and the first thing that the dolphins tell is, "Get the F$#! Out Of Our Ocean!"

Female Breast Volume Measuring Device - U.S. Patent No. 4,219,029

Now here's a device that I really can't figure out why you'd need to know it. I guess saying that you're a 'D' cup or a 'B' cup is becoming passe. So now you can tell you friends, "I'm a half-pint" or "I'm a full gallon." So instead of bering relegated to terms like cantelopes and watermelons, you can be a shot glass or a soup bowl.

Hey ladies. I think there already is an invention for helping you with this. It's called Man! If you really want to know how much volume you've got, I'm sure there's a guy out there who wouldn't mind grabbing hold and helping you in that calculation.

Penis Clamping Device - U.S. Patent No. 5,571,125

Okay ladies, this is my attempt at being fair. This device is said to prevent the unwanted flow of urine from human males. Now I know that after 10 or 12 beers, this device might come in handy but by looking at the picture of it, I can really only say, "Ouch!" he good thing about it is that they say it can be operated by one hand. Now that's a good thing since I'll be using my other hand to stop the screaming.

I don't know what guy (or maybe it was a girl getting back at us) created a FLAT clamp when the object your trying to restrict is ROUND! I just can't wait to see these appearing at bars all over the US! Why don't they just attach a urinal to the bar. (see photo). But there is one benefit, maybe the bathrooms will be a bit cleaner since the drunk guys won't be peeing all over the floor!

A Device For Pete - U.S. Patent No. 165,298,258,345,565

And finally, I'm pretty well known for "passing gas" in confined spaces. I think a fart is a beautiful thing and it brings me pleasure and laughter. But I don't think I could patent this device as it already been invented. But to those who've had to endure my wrath...this should make you happy!