Friday, January 18, 2008

Presidential Election 2008: If You Don't Get Off Your Ass, One Of These Candidates Could Be Running The Country!

How much do we really know about the top 2008 Presidential candidates? Our democracy is in a dangerous state. What used to be healthy competition between Republicans and Democrats has descended into bitter tribalism as ideology and partisanship rule the day. America is a deeply divided country...locked in a bitter culture war, pitting secular liberals against religious conservatives. Conservative, liberal and a few radical activists are the ones who set the tone and define the rhetoric of our political parties. Sure, we hear the rhetoric from Hillary, Fred, Huckleberry Hound and Obama. But who are the real candidates who don't get on the YouTube debates? Well, if you're wondering - like I was - check out some of the unique (putting it mildly) candidates vying for you vote this November.

Here's one for ya. Candidate Jackson Grimes of the United Fascist Union considers himself a pagan and claims to have played Adolf Hitler on an episode of "Star Trek." He has also called for the impeachment of President Bush. Sometime you really wonder how in hell's name they got out from under their rock. But hey, he's got a stand. For what? Just look at him and figure it out! He's on the United Fascist Union party ticket, who ran in the 1996 to 2004 US presidential elections and is running for the 2008 election. He claimed to achieve "6th place" in the 2000 presidential election. His campaigns platform includes abolishing Christianity and replacing it with classical Roman Paganism fused with the political system of Fascist Italy. He openly opposed the Nazi style of fascism, but claimed to support a society based around white European culture. His platform? "The ideologies of Mussolini and Saddam Hussein."

Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey is a self-proclaimed satanist, Hecate Witch and professional boxer as well as wrestler and a perennial candidate for public office. Sharkey lived for a time in Florida under his wrestling name of Rocky Hurricane Flash. While there, he also used the assumed name Kathleen Sharkey and claimed that this Kathleen Sharkey was either his half-sister or his wife. It has been suggested instead that he attempted to fake his own death. The Vampires, Witches, and Pagans Party was founded by Sharkey in 2005 and yes, it is officially recognized by United States Federal Election Committee, although there is little evidence of any membership or activity other than two of them Sharkey!

If you're a supporter of the ACLU, Larry Craig, and the rights of those who use our public restrooms for things other than taking a pee, then Bennie Lee 'Ben' Ferguson can appeal to both men AND women. This candidate served as Chairman of the Log Cabin Republican Committee from 2000 to 2002. I'm not sure if the Log Cabin party referrs to what the maple syrup of what he does with his "expectation of privacy!

Remember Pat Paulsen? The long time presidential candidate and political pundit? Well, he's running. Sort of. As the November 2008 election nears, a series of strange incidents involving Mr. Paulsen, or his likeness, have been reported throughout the country. Paulsen, who allegedly passed away in April 1997, was known for his many runs for the presidency. Dozens of other people have reported sightings or visitations, and Paulsen’s website, which is currently being run by his wife, Noma, has been inundated with such accounts and frequent bumper sticker requests. Official news related to Pat’s recent sightings and information about the write-in campaigns can be found on Paulsen’s website. at:

Now here's someone to give Hillary a run for her money. Both on her political position and her looks! But don't let Christina Gerasimos Billings-Elias' wedding photo throw you off. According to her site, she's also a princess and was apparently "born to be President of Our America" as it was proclaimed by both Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt. She even kind of looks like how Eleanor would look if she were alive today...after being dead for a long, long time!

Now here's a guy who's got a real platform. Terry Barkdull is called Tee by his friends. He says he's got enough education to run this country. beacuse he don't think it takes a Rocket Scientist to run this Country. His website says, "There are a few things I won't do to the American people and that is, I won't lie to you to start wars or say I've smoke dope by didn't inhale. I didn't go to Canada when my Country needed me or go to college to get out of the draft. I won't be intimidated by people when I make a decision. I consider myself to be a very 'INTELLIGENT' individual. I know what this Country needs. What's needed now, is New blood, New thoughts, New ideas and enough courage to take a stand and try to make a difference for a better America, and not to just fill the their greedy little pockets by raping the American tax payers. You go Tee, you go!

Here's a guy who looks like almost every retired guy in Florida. Albert 'Big Al' Hamburg Sr. ran for the White House in 2004 and has been on the campaign trail since 1972. He once referred to himself as a very independent UNPOPULAR candidate. (Hamberg was also taking his campaign photographs in a Nazi helmet at the time.) According to Radar Magazine, his platform includes "mandatory sterilization of drunks, illegal aliens, and the mentally retarded... and the seizure of all incomes over $1 million."

This candidate simply refers to himself as "Watchman the Branch." I could not find any political information on him at all. None. Nada. Zip. But I found his picture. And he looks like one wierd cookie. And you know what, if you look him up you get a bund of crap on the Branch Davidian cult. Hmmmmm.

And finally, there is Mitsuo Matayoshi, an eccentric Japanese politician, self-styled as "The only God Mitsuo Matayoshi Jesus Christ". After a life of preacher he has developed a particular concepts of Christianity, strongly influenced by Eschatology. In 1997 He established the World Economic Community Party based on his conviction that he is the God and Christ. According to his program, he will do the Last Judgement as the Christ but the way to do this is totally within the current political system and its legitimacy. Matayoshi Jesus will reign over the whole world with two legitimate authorities, not only religious but also political. He has presented himself in many elections but he has not won yet. He has become well-known for his eccentric campaigns where he urges opponents to commit suicide by hara-kiri (disembowelment, note that he avoids the more polite seppuku) and says that he will cast them into Gehenna. Like most Japanese politicians, he campaigns in a single small regulation size mini-van fitted with oversized loudspeakers. I think I've seen him in Hollywood!

So you see, we've got some great up and coming candidates. They all want change. If I hear this word 'change' one more time, I'm going to change the channel. There's an all-out war between red and blue, but the bigger news is about the forgotten middle. These eccentrics lack power and influence, but they've got the numbers. Put another way, America has spawned a new silent majority. With these guys running, we better pay attention. Voter apathy is no longer an option. The stakes are too high. So get off your ass and vote on Election Day!