Monday, June 4, 2007

On Night In Paris: Shut Your Mouth And Do The Time!

Last night at 10:30 PM Paris Hilton officially surrendered to the L.A. County Sheriff to begin her 23-day sentence. Her lawyer, Hilton, mom Kathy and sister Nicky then drove to the Men's Central Jail in downtown Los Angeles -- commonly referred to as the Twin Towers. The 26-year-old rich snot kid was booked at 11:38 p.m. Sunday into the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, an industrial area about five miles southeast of downtown Los Angeles. Hilton's lawyer picked her up at her parents' home and then drove her to the Men's Central Jail in downtown Los Angeles as a ruse to throw off the paparazzi. The Sheriff devised the plan of surrendering miles away from the actual where Paris will be doing time because the crush of paparazzi at the jail created a potential safety hazard. Paris was then driven to the jail in Lynwood where she is now serving her sentence. "No special treatment" hunh?

Earlier in the evening, Paris Hilton was on hand with other celebs at the MTV Movie Awards Sunday - but what she was talking about was jail - and her fears. After appearing on the red carpet, Hilton went to her parents' house for a brief time, then left with her lawyer to face the music. In previous days she "kind of" layed low only meeting with a couple of guys and she even had a trip to the Grove, right next to my place of work at CBS. The picture to the right is the chickey walking by one of my favorite restaurants, La Piazza. But I think the hostess there looks better!

"I am ready to face the consequences of violating probation. During the past few weeks, I have had a lot of time to think and have come to realize I made some mistakes." Hilton added, "This is an important point in my life and I need to take responsibility for my actions. In the future, I plan on taking more of an active role in the decisions I make. I want to thank my family, friends and fans for their continued support. Although I am scared, I am ready to begin my jail sentence." Does she realize at all that she is there for drunk driving? Or maybe her "people" haven't told her that yet!

In sympathy for her and not to forget her other legal troubles, last week a judge postponed a trial in a civil suit against Paris after the wench's psychiatrist said she is "emotionally distraught and traumatized" over her 45-day jail sentence and not capable of testifying. Doctor Charles Sophy said she needs time to recover from the shock of receiving jail time before testifying in a civil case brought against her by Zeta Graff - another so-called actress and diamond heiress who filed a ten million dollar suit against Hilton claiming she spread "vicious lies" about her. Oh come on now girls, let's stop the catfighting about who's got the better bling and free up our court system. Is that too much to ask?

Now let's look at her living conditions. According to officials, like other inmates in the special-needs area, she will take her meals in her cell (alone? boo hoo!), get to wear the beautiful county-issued orange jumpsuit (what a photo op here!), and will be allowed outside (in the sun? Without sunscreen?) for at least an hour each day - to shower, watch TV, participate in outdoor recreation or talk on the telephone.

She'll have to use a public pay phone as cell phones and BlackBerrys aren't allowed and this makes me laugh because I'm sure she's never seen one (oh my gawd)! She will get the same standard-issue kit all incoming inmates receive: a toothbrush, tube of toothpaste, soap, a comb, deodorant, shampoo and shaving implements, along with a jail-issued pencil, stationery, envelopes and stamps. Does she know how to wash herself? You mean she doesn't have people do that for her? Does she know how to write anything besides checks? This might be too much for her! She may have to be, i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t!

Officials went on to say (and this is totally freakin' true) that if she wants to pretty herself in her cell's polished-metal mirror, she can buy a compact, eye shadow, an eyebrow pencil and package of hair coloring from the jail commissary, where she can draw from a prepaid account. I'm sure she dropped a couple of hundred grand in there. She'll be allowed to have up to three books and magazines each week and a maximum of five photographs - no larger than 4-by-6 inches and probably of rich dudes she can sponge off of when she is freed.

Now let's compare her crime to that of your regular Joe Alcholic. Joe is hurt a lot more by a drunk driving offense than a Paris Hilton. She can afford the best legal counsel whereas even a run-of-the-mill public defender’s fee will seriously affect Joe Alcoholic’s lifestyle. A fine of, say, $2500 is nothing to Paris Hilton but perhaps a month’s take home pay for him. A suspended license is devastating to most of us and with her immense money she can just hire a chauffeur. Perhaps Hilton should have heeded the advice of her hard-partying predecessor Joe Walsh, who penned these epic words before she was even an egg looking for kept him out of jail.

My Maserati does one-eighty-five
I lost my license, now I don’t drive
I have a limo, ride in the back
I lock the doors in case I’m attacked

Hilton expressed fear about her upcoming jail sentence while making a surprise visit to the MTV Movie Awards Sunday, saying she was "scared" but ready to do the time. "I am trying to be strong right now," Paris said of her jail time set to begin Tuesday. "I'm really scared but I'm ready to face my sentence. I did have a choice to go to a pay jail, but I declined because I feel like the media portrays me in a way that I'm not and that's why I wanted to go to county, to show that I can do it and I'm going to be treated like everyone else. I'm going to do the time, I'm going to do it the right way. I've received thousands of letters from around the world of support and it's really been inspirational and really helped me," she said. "I'm really scared but I'm ready to do this. And I hope that I'm an example to other young people."

Inmates say they believe officials are making room for the starlet at the expense of other inmates and Princess Paris may find a chill in the air as inmates advice to snotty heiress is to the point - "shut your mouth and do the time." There's a moral to all of Paris Hilton's jail woes that we'd be wise to follow here: if you're ever sentenced to jail for violating the terms of your probation stemming from a drink-driving arrest, try to make sure you've made a porno that's on the internet where everyone can see it first, because then you'll probably get a nicer cell.

I look forward to what this immense talent will produce next.