Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Now That You've Discovered Insanity: Here's The Top Ten Ways To Save Your Sanity Now That The Kids Are Out of School

Welcome to Summer. That joyous season that mixes hot weather with bored kids and produces only one thing. Insane parents! Now that school is out and the kids are home, you may be wondering to yourself, "What can I do with the kids so they don't drive me friggin' nuts?" Well folks, now that you've "discovered insanity" (hence the name of this blog), I think I've found the top 10 things you can do to save your sanity this summer. But before we do...

THE BIG DISCLAIMER: Just so you all know, and to prevent a barrage of comments about being a kid hater, let me hereby say that I love kids. They are some of the funnest and most inspirational people on this earth. In fact, some of my biggest fans are just that...kids! And to prove that, click on the picture to the right and check out a custom drawn picture, of me in my truck along with a cat, drawn by my good friend Sydney. Now here's a budding artist, don't ya think?

Top Ten Ways To Save Your Sanity Now That The Kids Are Out of School

10. Give them a T.V. with cable. This has been known to put kids in trances for hours at a time.

9. Give them a video game system. Also known to keep them occupied, besides, it helps them with hand eye coordination doesn't it?

8. Let them stay with friends as much as possible. Especially if you aren't friends with the parents, you wouldn't want them to think you would recipricate this activity anytime soon.

7. Give away all outside toys that might be considered fun, to the neighbors. This includes swimming pools, swingsets, trampolines and the like. The object is to get your kids to go somewhere else, not to attract all the neighborhood kids to your house.

6. Pitch a tent in the backyard. Make it known that any kids wanting to stay the night, or even play at your house is required to do so only in this area.

5. You can also tell your children that this tent is their new home.

4. Buy ear plugs. Wear them proudly and exclaim you can't hear them when they ask for anything. Unless, of course, they are asking to leave.

3. Disconnect the phone. This one item attracts kids of all ages. If they want to call a friend, offer to drive them to the friends house instead. Stop just long enough for your kid to get half way up the drive and then leave. The only way this kid can get back is if the parents drive them back home, and they are probably too busy to do it right away anyhow!

2. Let it be known, that, anyone inside the house will be cleaning all day, everyday! This drives away even the most sincere child.

1. Make it a requirement to play outside all day. Lock the doors behind them, get a port-a-john if you have to, turn the music up to drown out any screaming that might be happening outside, and remind them, if it rains the tent is in the backyard!

There they are. The top 10 things you can do to save your sanity this summer. But if all else fails, and it usually does especially when you mix kids and boredom, you can always turn to (and I'm kidding here) a large piece of blue cold steel, a couple of large caliber rounds and yes, some Frankie Vallie music...just like my friend here to the right. Hell, that would make anyone want to blow their brains out!