Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Cheryl Crowe Must Be Proud: Big Company Creates New Toilet Paper Dispenser And Another David Beckham Story

In what has got to be one of the most "controlling" environmental stories this week, Kimberly-Clark is introducing the new electronic toilet tissue dispenser, for your own bathroom or for away-from-home bathrooms. The dispenser spits out five little squares, which is about 20 inches of paper if you're counting. If you're one of the many that could do without that ultra-thin industrial toilet paper found in most public bathrooms these days, prepare to flush all your ideas about toilet paper and how much of it you use at one time to wipe yourself after that hefty lunch at Arby's!

That's right, Kimberly-Clark wants you, from now on, to only get five little sheets. Sound insufficient enough? It seems that somebody took Cheryl Crowe's joke about TP to reality. I wonder if she's laughing hysterically now? If you think this is a joke, think again. It may be a reality in a restroom near you. We've already got electronic sinks, electronic soap dispensers, electronic paper towel dispensers, and the ever-so-popular electronic flusher. The company says its dispenser is also more sanitary than the manual ones, and in a place like a public bathroom, that can only be a good thing. Maybe just teaching people to wash their hands might be better time well spent!

Most people seem to agree that five squares just doesn't get the job done, but officials from the company that makes the gadget, Kimberly Clark Professional, seem to think that's plenty, and that its benefits will bowl you over. "You will reduce your consumption by 20 percent when compared to manual systems," a company spokesperson says. Perhaps, but the thought of using squares sparingly may remind some of the toilet paper tumult depicted in a famous episode of "Seinfeld," when Elaine accidentally stepped into a paperless stall. In need of a few squares, she politely asked the woman in the stall next to her to spare just three squares, but was met with a rude response: "I don't have a square to spare! I can't spare a square!

So will five squares be enough? Not for me. Thank God for that because Kimberly Clark officials say. If you just put your hand out in front of the dispenser, it will give you as much as you want, but only at five sheets at a time. I checked out the KC website and could not get any "official" product info but I did see this handy Online Toilet Paper Usage Calculator so you can determine how much TP you use in a year. Now's there's some info we all need to know!

In a related story about someone who can now wipe his ass with money, the much overhyped and overpaid David Beckham was limited to some stretching and kicking drills because of a lingering ankle injury in his first practice Monday since joining the Los Angeles Galaxy. He is scheduled to make his playing debut Saturday in an exhibition against Chelsea, but Galaxy coach Frank Yallop said the superstar midfielder is day-to-day. "His ankle is quite swollen," Yallop said. "We're hoping it recovers quickly and he can have some part in the game." Beckham's health is the No. 1 question on the minds of his teammates, fans, sponsors and TV executives.

Sure...if you dropped a million bucks a week for a lame horse, you'd shoot him. Okay Mr. Beckham. It's time to pony up, grit your teeth and do what you're paid a quarter-of-a-billion dollars to do. Whether it hurts or not. Big boys don't cry!